I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. Song of Solomon 3.5
When I was much younger, in my teens, my advice about the choice of a spouse was to find someone who was forward looking, quite intellectual, and someone you truly love. Then, it was time for me to take the leap into the unknown, saying ‘ I do’ to a stranger I had barely met in the foyer of his office during my internship. I was certain the top three things to look for in a spouse: someone who goes to church, who is actively utilising their spiritual gifts for God’s glory, and has an excellent reputation.
Many were raised in disadvantaged backgrounds and deprived neighbourhoods, while getting out of misery, poverty and mediocrity is what many desperately want, marriage seems like an escape to move them much further along. There’s nothing wrong with getting marries to someone who has an outlook that’s forward-looking but where would that get us to? When we realise that life is brief, that life isn’t about us and God is counting on us to make the most of what He’s entrusted to us, just getting married to just anyone is such a huge risk.
Getting married to someone with intellectual capabilities was one of my many priorities. I’m curious to learn new concepts, read so many books, lost count, sat in several libraries, both great and small devouring abstract and practical knowledge desperately to exit the land of the gullible and ignorant while hoping to remain relevant in certain circles. And I hoped that spending the rest of my life with someone with similar desires would enable us to become some of the geeks and gurus the world had ever known, but I was wrong.
Someone you love? Leaving home with an empty love tank, many are searching for love in the wrong places and from the wrong people. I had no clue what my love languages were until I read Gary Chapman’s bestseller. After several heartbreaks and betrayals, many realized that our ever-changing emotions and unstable hormones can not define love. However, the longer we spend with Jesus, we discover that love is not a thing but a person. God is love; He’s the source of love. Any attempt to define love outside God is futile. For so long I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong, I’ve learnt that love is not a feeling but an intentional decision.
After nearly twenty years in the trenches of staying married but also counselling many couples struggling in challenging relationships, exposed to the good, bad and the ugly, I’m sorry if I shared any of my untested and not-tried rules of engagement, marriage is such a huge risk, stay away if you can but if you do, you don’t want to get married to someone who lacks these traits, features, qualities, whatever you want to call them – a heart connected to the heartbeat of heaven, the fear of God, a humble and teachable heart, a deep well of empathy and who enables you pursue and fulfil God’s purpose.
1 A heart connected to the heartbeat of heaven. The other day I was reading about Eli and Peter while contrasting their ability to hear God, which I suggest is indicative of the quality of their relationship with God. Eli observes a distraught woman pouring her heart to God but concludes that she must be drunk. Peter receives a large offering from Ananias but without saying a word, Peter knew immediately it was given under duress. Here are two leaders who had walked with God for several years; while the glory was departing for one, the other had only been restored. While one was condoning so much ungodliness and immorality under his own roof, the other had just witnessed a fresh outpouring of God’s Spirit. We don’t need a plethora of letters behind our names, fancy titles and executive positions to have a heart connected to heaven but one that’s willing (To do your will O God), available (Here am I Lord, send me) and faithful (I have finished the work which You have given Me to do).
A heart connected to heaven is not synonymous with the outward display of our striving to impress others such as the regular attendance at church events, speaking Christianese, acting with so much piety, giving of alms to all and sundry but the internal and ongoing work of God’s Spirit, the absolute surrender to be led by God’s Spirit, a focus on eternity, laying down our selfish ambitions, carry our crosses daily that Christ may be glorified. You don’t want a spouse serving God in public, but is bowing down to idols in secret, who brings shame and disgrace to the name of Jesus, who is keen on building a name for themselves but ashamed to represent Jesus wherever they are. Sadly, many people have been hoodwinked by some who sang at sonorous pitches in the choir and prayed at deafening decibels. These individuals projected a false image of themselves, putting their best foot forward but their partners are shocked to realize the true character of these performers.
2 The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. The wisdom God offers us trumps what this world even tries to offer. And there’s absolutely nothing with reading several books written by renowned authors, listening to podcasts and sermons from the world’s experts or signing up to conferences hosted by the best thought leaders in relationships but I humbly submit to you that the fear of the Lord can reveal to you in a moment what people have been struggling all their lives to accumulate. The fear of the Lord keeps you close to the cross, unavailable and unattractive to the enemy, prioritising bringing joy to the Father’s heart.
The fear of God is the only thing that will keep us from the things and people that seek to draw us away from Him. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, is a secure fortress from evil, will keep us from the snares of death. And when bizarre things happen in certain marriages, couples have no clue they may be up against with what might be a result of the lack of the fear of the Lord in one or both spouses. Your spouse may not be rich, intellectual, or romantic, just to name a few of what many look out for, but you can go to bed with both eyes closed knowing you’re safe with a spouse who has the fear of the Lord. A spouse who is more interested in pleasing the Lord than impressing their partner is what you want, not the other way around.
3 A humble and teachable heart is not something you can learn from listening to a sermon or reading a book. In fact, I realised recently that there are some prayers we shouldn’t be bothering God about; they are automatic by-products of answers to other prayers. So, instead of asking God for a humble and teachable Spirit, I’ve been asking God instead to fill me with his Spirit, that Christ will be formed in me and the fruit of His Spirit should evidenced in my life. You won’t need to spend so much time and effort trying to convince your spouse about certain things because they already have a humble and teachable heart, but what exhaustion and frustration many face who are stuck with spouses who lack these.
No one is perfect, as we all strive to become more like Jesus. But there’s so much God can do with a heart that’s full of itself and unwilling to admit that there is so much room for improvement and unavailable to learn from others. No one comes into marriage knowing everything; every marriage is a journey, a collaborative engagement with your spouse from start to end. To stay married, couples must work as a team, learning from their spouse and others, and unlearning some things from their families of origin or mindsets encountered in childhood. A spouse who is unwilling to be humble and refuses to adopt a posture of being teachable but continues to walk away from opportunities to become like Jesus is only a disaster waiting to happen.
4 Empathy. I’ll describe what this means rather than define it, and I hope you’ll catch the gist. Someone has fallen into a deep and muddy well and while many Levites and priests walk by saying, ‘I’m sorry you are where you are, I’m on my way to church, I’ll pray for you, oh please take care of yourself while you’re there, it’s such a shame things like this happen, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, God is able, I’m too busy to stop, etc’ but the good Samaritan, stops, reschedules his itinerary, climbs down into the well with a very long rope saying nothing, gets himself muddy and soiled, wraps his arms around this person who has fallen into the well and sits with him in the well for as long as practical, then he ties a harness around him attached to the rope that brought him down, climbs out and begins to pull this person up one knot at a time. They both emerge at the top of the well, muddy, soiled, and no one knows who fell into the well first. Empathy is a gift, and sadly, not many couples have it.
I’ve spoken to spouses whose partners were hosting outreaches while they were hooked on to IV fluids battling for their lives; others who do little or nothing to support their spouses financially, practically, and emotionally. There are those who can pray all night but can’t take the trash out, others who preach to thousands but find it difficult to offer any compliment to their spouse, they are comfortable offering several counselling sessions to members of their churches from sunup to sundown but struggle to kneel beside their children’s beds to pray with them nor hug and kiss them each night. Many can speak in tongues at deafening decibels, but they are the angriest, stingiest, and miserly partners the world has ever known. And the list goes on. If you are yet to get married, you are taking an enormous risk at your own peril with a partner lacking a deep well of empathy.
5 Enabling you pursue and fulfil God’s purpose. There is an assumption that hopefully, before you commit to getting married, you may have at least discovered God’s purpose and maybe some understanding of the specific assignment he may have entrusted to you. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making this discovery after you sign on the dotted lines but might be complex and complicated navigating the details with more on your plate, with several decisions to make and more to deter your momentum or direction or both. Many want a spouse who makes their hearts skip a beat, but will this person also enable us be and do all God has called us to? I can’t tell you how frustrating it can be to be outside God’s will, doing everything garnering the applaud of many but still not be in the centre of God’s will.
And for a long time, I assumed that God’s purpose was strictly the guy’s purpose, and the lady was only to support his calling and while this may be the case for many couples, we certainly can’t put God in a box and restrict whatever and however he seeks to accomplish His will. God has several assignments, and He’s seeking individuals, couples, families, communities, and churches to make this happen. He won’t come down or send angels but expects us to be His hands and feet accomplishing his plans and purpose on earth. What a joy when couples steward the talents, spiritual gifts, resources, and assignments effectively, but also acknowledge they are co-labourers to see God’s purpose actualised for such a time as this. But when couples are chasing what’s temporal and fading unaware and uninterested in the pursuit of purpose, what conflicts and chaos will ensue.
Lord we lift couples in challenging relationships up to you, please will you make a way for hope, peace, joy and a pursuit of your purpose to be restored and we also pray for many at the crossroads of such a life-defining decision, may you grant each one unusual wisdom and discerning hearts to know and walk in your will. Amen