Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19.6
This verse often concludes a lengthy church service when someone recites it, following a brief but uncomfortable wait for anyone who might object to the marriage of a couple. The assumption when reading this verse is that every couple has been joined by God or every marriage has been approved by God. Sadly, this is not always the case. Can man separate what man has joined together? Can God separate what man has joined together?
God’s aim for marriages is that couples will leave their parents, cleave to one another, become one flesh and ultimately pursue the purpose for which He has brought them together. Any of these processes will not be achievable until the previous one is complete. Sadly, many marriages are coasting with no purpose and direction. Besides the lavish wedding celebrations, the romantic honeymoons, and baby dedications, couples have nothing else to pursue.
Many couples have been married for several years in name only but are divorced at the core of their hearts as they may have woken up to the reality that they got married for the wrong reasons, their marriages were built on faulty foundations, they are now heading in separate directions or they are yet to leave their parents. If marriages aren’t fulfilling God’s purpose, could couples have made a mistake by choosing each other, or was that marriage never approved by God?
Any pastor officiating a wedding may conduct a service in the presence of several elegantly dressed witnesses, but only God can ‘join’ a couple. And this won’t happen in a moment but over a lifetime. God won’t force His desire on any couple; they must be joined in order to fulfil His purpose. When one spouse is clueless about God’s purpose for their marriage or is no longer interested in the pursuit of that purpose, the process of becoming joined will be truncated or further delayed.
Jesus didn’t say, ‘let no enemy or demons separate’. And many times we assume that an external force must be active in destroying marriages. That might be true sometimes, but often spouses are not quick to admit that they might have been working against God, partnering with the enemy to divide what God is trying to keep together. Whenever a marriage is strained, struggling, or crumbling, one or both spouses are no longer under the absolute control of God’s Spirit. They may be unaware that the enemy has employed them to destroy God’s plans for their marriage.
At any point in time, every marriage is moving into all God has in store for them or moving further away from it. No marriage can adopt a neutral position, couples can testify if they are pursuing God’s purpose or not. And as long as couples are disconnected from God, are not being led by God’s Spirit or are uninterested in pursuing God’s purpose, their marriage would soon go south. Is your marriage taking giant strides towards God’s purpose or lagging several steps behind, away from all God had in mind?
No marriage crumbles overnight; it’s the gradual decision by one or both spouses that their intentional, consistent, and committed investment in their relationship is no longer important. Many couples had grand plans for their weddings, but none for their marriages. It won’t be long before a ship without a map gets lost at sea or ends up in an unknown destination. It’s never too late to draft a plan for your marriage and reset for the journey ahead. You may have made several mistakes in the past, but God can resurrect what is dead and bring beauty from ashes.
Jesus is not only referring to anyone who will divide the marriage but also anyone who will delay or truncate the process of the couple leaving, cleaving and becoming one as attempting to divide and destroy what God is joining. A spouse who refuses to transfer their loyalties from their parents to their spouse is delaying what God wants to do in their marriage, couples who refuse to be intimate (vulnerable to express their feelings share with and trust each other) are also delaying the cleaving process, domineering and controlling parents who will not allow their married adult children stand on their own are inadvertently working against God’s plans.
No marriage crumbles on its own; there are couples who complain of nosy or controlling in-laws, but often one or both spouses have refused to set boundaries for their relationship. Previous relationships with several partners, the tendency for people pleasing, the spillover of dysfunction from one’s family of origin into their new family, the inability to detach and standalone, pursuing one’s selfish ambitions, the unwillingness to surrender daily to be led by God’s Spirit, these will contribute to the division of any marriage.
Leaving isn’t just moving away from the home you once shared with your parents, but the intentional decision to stand on your own without their influence or control. Cleaving and becoming one isn’t just about what happens under the sheets but a merging of hearts and purpose. There are spouses who are only interested in the sexual relations with their partner, but they are the least interested in the discovery, pursuit, and fulfilment of God’s purpose in their marriage. The enemy will find marriages that are bereft of any purpose or direction easy targets to divide.
If a marriage will remain strong, stable, and enduring, the forces required to keep it joined must be greater that the forces trying to pull it away. Before couples accuse the enemy of destroying their marriages, might there be other forces at work from within? The success or failure of any marriage will depend on both spouses. Only one spouse cannot keep the wheels of the marriage moving while the other remains aloof and uninvolved. The actions and inactions of both spouses have contributed to the problems.
God has tasked every marriage with an assignment. When spouses cannot discover their individual assignments, discovering God’s purpose for their marriage will be challenging. Hence, anyone attempting to divide, derail, and distract a marriage God has joined is indirectly attempting to disrupt the purpose God has ordained for that marriage to fulfil. What a tragedy awaits all those who want to fight against God’s plan. Are you partnering with God or fighting against Him?
God is the one who is joining the couple, but He will not force His desire on anyone. Couples must cooperate with God’s Spirit to make that happen. What can couples do to avoid a divided marriage? Put God first in all your plans, whether they are significant, draft a plan for your marriage, great marriages don’t drop from the sky, expecting a harvest from no investment won’t happen, couples have no option than the consistent, committed and intentional investment in their marriage, they must continually depend on the Lord for humble and teachable hearts. These may seem very straightforward, but few couples are keen on these.
If marriages end up in divorce, were these couples never joined nor approved by God? It’s tough to conclude. But one thing is certain: If a marriage isn’t fulfilling God’s purpose, it won’t be long before it will begin to crumble and tear away at its seams. And even though couples may seem to struggle with a plethora of issues, the underpinning fact is a lack of the pursuit of God’s purpose in their marriage. When the purpose of a thing is unknown, chaos, neglect, abuse, and ultimately abandonment are inevitable.
Are you struggling in your marriage? Are you exhausted and can’t see a way out of the mess in your relationship? Are you no longer excited about the person who sleeps beside you each night, or have you begun to plot your escape? Don’t join the staggering statistics of unhappy and depressed couples stuck in toxic and dysfunctional relationships; get help today; speak to a counsellor today. Praying and fasting are great spiritual disciplines, but counselling equips couples with practical help for their unique predicaments.