COUNSELLING
Life’s challenges can overwhelm us, and sometimes what we need most isn’t an immediate solution to our problems but a compassionate listener and an empathetic presence.
My pursuit of a PhD in Pastoral Counselling stemmed from my desire to better serve others. This advanced training equips me with more skills and experience to support you through life’s twists and turns.
I’m a licenced member with the National Christian Counselors Association, with specialisation in premarital counselling and youth mentoring. I’m committed to providing a safe, non-judgemental space where you can begin your journey towards recovery. Whenever you’re ready to take that first step, I’m here to listen and support you.
Pre-Marital Counselling
If several children were running towards a cliff and you knew the danger that lay ahead, would you applaud and cheer them on? No. No one would that. If a blind man was approaching a large and deep hole, would you remain mute and watch him fall into the ditch? I believe you are someone who would make an effort to save him since he is unable to care for himself.
If God reveals to you that a close friend who has been ill for some time was about to depart this world has not surrendered their life to Jesus, so will spend eternity away from God, what would you do. Would you go drinking with them in a pub, take selfies to post online or go shopping with them, making no mention of the revelation you received? I bet you would do everything to share the gospel with them even if it required staying up late by their bedside, praying they surrender their heart to Jesus before their final breath.
These may be extreme and bizarre scenarios I’ve illustrated here but the decision to get married is equally as big a risk. Counsellors hope to do all they can, as long they can, with all they have to stop clueless couples in their tracks, in order to get them to reconsider the journey ahead carefully.
Having watched the devastating effect troubled marriages have had on multiple couples over the years, any counsellor’s conscience would bother them if they watched a couple exchange their vows, fully aware of how unprepared and unequipped they were. With little to no counselling for the journey ahead, a couple is missing the tools and resources to make any significant progress.
What Is Counselling?
Often, counselling gets a bad reputation when couples who are already struggling in their relationship are advised to explore counselling as one of the last efforts to save their crumbling marriage and it failed to yield the results everyone expected. Pre-marital counselling is often not the first thing on the minds of many excited couples, who can’t wait to sign on the dotted line.
If anyone was going away to a new city on vacation, would they just head out to the airport in their pyjamas and think they’d arrive at their destination with no problems at all? No one wants to be disappointed, so, many would have spent a lot of time online choosing the right dates for their trip, booking one of the best hotels in the area and, in some situations, they might have begun to pack for their trip, several weeks in advance because leaving things too late might not be convenient.
If many are so meticulous about a vacation trip, why do couples give little to no consideration to pre-marital counselling? Marriage is a journey — a long and risky one. Counselling prepares couples as so much information is provided to the ignorant, naive and clueless couples to enable them make informed decisions. However, there is no guarantee that counselling will eliminate the problems and challenges ahead but instead, couples are armed with the right tools and resources to keep going even when others are crashing out on this long-distance race, called marriage.
And even after couples are married, they don’t have to wait until they run into trouble, they can schedule appointments with a counsellor to get fresh and new ideas to transform their marriages from ‘good’ to ‘great’.
Jesus says, anyone who desires to build a house or go on a journey, should count the cost. It’s interesting that He didn’t say they should pray first. Many couples are only praying but have not considered their decision and the impact on their lives. Pre-marital counselling will certainly enable couples count the cost in more ways than one.
It is particularly intriguing when one or both prospective spouses decide to call off their wedding plans or are no longer interested in pursuing a serious relationship with their partner as a result of the counsel they have received. It’s obvious that the sessions have been effective when they are able to pause at such an important juncture and ask each other pertinent questions instead of foolishly rushing ahead.
When Should Couples Begin Counselling?
If couples wait until the last few weeks before their wedding date, just to check a box with an abridged counselling session, they will be short-changing themselves and their future. Couples are advised to begin counselling as early as possible, maybe at least a year in advance. There are several aspects of the marriage to be discussed, which will enable them to draft a vision for their marriage.
Counselling shouldn’t be limited to face-to-face sessions with someone behind a desk or across a couch. This also entails reading as many books as possible relevant to marriage, and attending conferences targeted at prospective couples. They can also ask older and wiser couples if they would be willing to mentor and share their own experiences with them. There are also many resources online and in print by godly marriage counsellors from around the world. Couples are encouraged to subscribe and listen to several podcasts from men and women whose marriages are a godly example to others. If couples refuse to pay the price to get equipped at this stage for the journey ahead, they’ll pay a higher price later.
As couples consider making a commitment to each other, they must commit to beginning and completing a series of counselling sessions together before they get married. They can request recommendations from friends who have been married, their church or online resources and then, narrow their search down to one option. When only one spouse attends counselling sessions, there isn’t a shared learning opportunity for both spouses as one of the couple is unaware of the counsel their partner has received.
Where Can Couples Get Counselling?
As couples consider the risky journey of marriage, they should speak to the right team in order to receive professional help. Obtaining counsel from familiar sources isn’t always the wisest thing to do. With a plethora of therapists on social media and the Internet in general, it’s easy for couples to run into much ungodly counsel online, these self-help hacks may be trendy but many are lacking in divine wisdom. Family and friends of the couple will be prejudiced and may be worried about telling the truth especially if there are any red flags in the couple’s relationship.
Professional counsellors are objective and honest in accordance with the ethics of the profession. Some couples prefer to be counselled by their pastor but not every pastor has the requisite skills and training to provide marriage counselling. Licensed counsellors have been trained and have a code of conduct to adhere to. They are usually registered with a reputable organisation and are committed to lifelong learning and supervision. Couples will need to ask the Lord for direction and guidance to get the right counsellors at the right time.
Who Can Be Counselled?
Any unmarried individuals can begin counselling for their personal and immediate benefit. However, premarital counselling is much more effective when both spouses are committed to learning together. What’s the value in one spouse learning alone while the other partner isn’t privy to everything they know? Why would couples choose to begin a journey with two maps, two sets of expectations or two visions? Could this be one of the many reasons couples end up in strained marriages?
And because one might have found a prospective partner, they mustn’t take everyone they meet or who seems attracted to them to a counselling session. But when they have identified a prospective partner, who has demonstrated godly character, they are committed to fulfilling God’s purpose and they both agree the decision to get married is a shared vision for their future, then it’s time to schedule an appointment and commence counselling together.
What Are Couples Getting Counselled For?
During the counselling sessions, anything and everything can be discussed. Counsellors do not tell prospective couples only what their ears want to hear. The good, the bad and the ugly things about marriage must be shared and discussed. Many couples are struggling today because the information they received before marriage was incomplete or inaccurate. They may have been told that marriage will be a bed of roses. Therefore, they are unable to come to terms with the unpleasant aspects of their marriage.
Counselling will cover details about financial planning, temperament needs, sex, children and infertility, relationship with in-laws, building a healthy family, unrealistic expectations, potential disappointments, secrets and fears about marriage, infidelity, forgiveness, among others. A good counsellor should make couples comfortable while inviting them to share and disclose everything with each other. They should also be able to connect the dots from each partner’s unique background experiences and discuss many of the potential conflict areas in their marriage.
Couples should feel much more confident about the future if they have been exposed to structured and godly counsel. They usually begin these sessions clueless and ignorant but will leave more informed and equipped. Many of these couples are no longer looking forward to their selfish needs being met but instead looking to add value to each other, committing to partnering with God to leave an imprint on their generation. The exhaustive plans for a lavish wedding celebration and honeymoon are now preceded by intentional efforts to draft a great vision for their marriage.
Many couples who have had little or no counselling struggle the most as they continue to fight about irrelevances. They never learned by instruction what they will painfully learn by experience. Couples who get married in ignorance; will soon be running from pillar to post when the challenges begin. Any couple planning for a stable marriage will find pre-marital counselling valuable.